Being a Trans individual, sex and dysphoria kind of come hand in hand. I'm definitely not speaking on behalf of everyone in the community but feeling even a small amount of animosity towards your genitals is somewhat part of the package.
It can be such a complicated topic as everyone's experiences are 100% unique, but I'm a huge believer that by speaking about our understanding and observations openly, we are able to support each other and find common ground.
I'm going to speak a bit about what I experience during sex, and how I personally try to navigate my way around certain issues that pop up. I hope that my opening up helps to validate some experiences you may have had, and perhaps even gives you some tips on how to deal with these feelings.
Pleasure is not always the top priority for me when having sex. It sometimes comes down to how I think I'm presenting in the moment. Understanding what my wants and needs are.
Dysphoria can make you rethink the ways in which you experience pleasure. For example if my bottom dysphoria is really bad for whatever reason, I'm more likely to get off solely by getting my partner off as appose to her pleasuring me. We as humans, learn by trying and doing. Figure out what makes you feel good.
I struggle with the whole 'mutually feeling pleasure at the same time'. I'm not 100% on penetrative sex for myself, so strapless dildos have always terrified me. There's an endless amount of realistic looking straps to try out, in whatever style best suits you.
A decent strap worn under boxers, and a flat vibe on the underside really helps with my dysphoria personally. Whether it's used during oral or penetrative sex, when it's pushed against the vibe it will have you and your partner feeling pleasure at the same time.
Ask your partner treat your junk the way you want. Thrust your hips towards their mouth, close your eyes and use your imagination. What your dick would look like? What it would feel like?
Using a blindfold can really help to transport you into the right head space. A place where you're not overthinking and you can solely focus on the pleasure that you're receiving.
I 100% think it's completely necessary to speak with your partner beforehand if you do experience any kind of dysphoria. Using gender neutral terms for your genitals can be a good way to avoid any uncomfortable or confrontational hick-ups in the bedroom.
I've always been way too awkward for dirty talk, so I generally just slip in a "Can you go 'down there"? Even just a subtle guiding of my partners hand tends to work better for me.
I always had this image of myself growing up as 'cool guy' that could take a girl straight to the bedroom. Making out as you fumble from the car to the bed, and jumping straight in to things. But the reality is, that I'm not there yet.
I'm lucky to have an incredible, supportive and patient girlfriend who has helped me to open up more during sex.
I hope this post helped you to understand that there are ways of tip-toing around Dysphoria in the bedroom. It may take time and practice, but you need to remember that sex is unique for everyone.
There's always something that a person will feel self-conscious of, or a kink that someone is too afraid to share.
The key to a good and healthy sex life, is communication. The only reason it can feel so alien at times is because it's not taught to us, or portrayed anywhere in media. Talking about sex isn't something to feel embarrassed about, in fact it will more often than not lead to some pretty ecstasy inducing bedroom antics.
Talk! Talk! Talk!